Do you judge others for not giving you the support (ahem, validation) that you would like? Does a part of you feel that you *need* support from others to be the person you desire to be?
I ask these questions to shed light on Mistaken Thinking where love and support are confused with entitlement and validation. See, it is normal to seek safety and comfort when you are making changes and making new choices.
What we forget in this process is the Illusion of Drama, the Illusion of Relationship™ that separates us from Love by insisting that drama come with the natural chaos of change.
When we make changes our environment will react. By environment I am largely referring to our relationships. The other person (let’s say your partner, your husband, your adult child, your best friend, etc) may not be in “like vibration” to the changes you are making and may react as such. In this instance, it is important that you acknowledge that like you, this person has free will.
Just as you are free to make changes, others are free to react to those changes. If any part of you is seeking validation and approval and even feels entitled to receiving this so-called unconditional support, all you are really doing is activating the Illusion of Drama by causing yourself unnecessary drama, pain, and agony.
I bring this up to invite you to acknowledge your own actions, your own intentions, and your own process of initiating change. For example, have you entered into change with a variation of either of the following? (I have done both!)
Example A– You bulldoze forward with an attitude of, “I don’t care what others think! They will have to deal with it!”
Example B– You take action, but you do it in a covert way. It’s like you are living a double life.
Each of the aforementioned situations will inevitably lead to fear because they were initiated with fear. Not only do both of these actions invite drama, as they amplify the Illusion of Drama, but they also make assumptions, which is a hallmark of the Illusion of Absorption.
As you grow, it is wise to accept that much like your inner world and our beautiful oceans, your relationships will ebb and flow. You may find that some of these relationships fall away. This can be both a time of grief and a time of celebration.
Whether your heart is hurting from a breakup or a series of misunderstandings, choose to know that healing and peace are on the way. What would happen if you stepped out of a victim mentality and into your own authority? What would you do differently with all that you learned? What has the other person taught you about yourself?
Bless the gifts of these experiences and move on.
We are complete. We are whole. All is well.
Learn more about the Illusion of Satisfaction, one of the Illusions of Relationship™ by watching this video here: https://youtu.be/taQdRO5_kwc
Or you can read the transcription below. 👇
“Today let’s connect about the Illusion of Satisfaction. The Illusion of Satisfaction is the sixth of the Illusions of Relationship™. It keeps you disconnected from your heart and keeps you separated from Love with its own shame and hurt. The way that the Illusion of Satisfaction works is that you may tell yourself that you are just completely fulfilled and “fine” with your life and current relationship—when that is not exactly the whole truth. The Illusion of Satisfaction works in that if you are single and would really deep down want to have people in your life or that one person who you can really connect with and share your life with—that you tell yourself “no, I am just fine not having a partner.” What is interesting about the Illusion of Satisfaction is of course we want to be satisfied and grateful for current circumstances. Sure, things could be worse, but it becomes an Illusion of Relationship when we lie to ourselves, and we fail to admit what we really want to feel amazing and what if we really want to experience. If the yearning is there, then the possibility of having it is there. To allow that [reality] into your life, you first need to admit that you want it. Yes, you may have had a long road where you had your heart broken in some way. Maybe a relationship fell a part. Maybe a creative project or a new business did not work out the way that you wanted it too. It is OK to stop and breathe and heal. You can do that while admitting that there is something more for you to experience and to allow into your life.”
It is Mistaken Thinking to believe that you need permission from some outside authority to have what you desire. You may wonder, “who is this perceived outside authority?” Before we go into the answer to that question, let’s talk about change. Please consider the following questions and select at least one to reflect upon:
- What in your relationship and life would you love to see “magically” change?
- What would the tone of your relationship or dating experience transform into?
- How would your qualities of friendships shift?
- What would you no longer tolerate in your life and relationships?
In order for any of your answers to the above to occur, you must be willing to make the change that is reflected in the answer to the question. Here are some examples:
- Example One– You want your partner to be fully supportive of your growth and your path. If this is true and you want to be able to connect with them on a deeper level, then you be the one to give yourself the permission, love, attention, and support that you desire from your partner.
- Example Two- Perhaps you are tired of playing the role of the “helpful friend” who always gives free advice. If this is the case, then consider that maybe you choose to be the “helpful friend” to obtain permission (a.k.a. validation) instead of stepping into higher levels of your self-worth.
- Example Three- Maybe it is time to set a boundary or start a new endeavor that you have been thinking about for some time, but instead of moving forward, you fear the fallout. Instead of taking action, you allow confusion and the fixation of what other people will think (i.e. secretly wondering if you have their permission) to keep you from moving forward.
What it comes down to is this…
Because you are the most important person in your life, you are the best authority in your life too! Will you give yourself permission to create a life that you love?
Thank you for reading and for spending time with yourself today.
Sending you blessings. <3
With Love and Wisdom,
Daniel and I have been together for 12 years. He is my favorite person. I sincerely believe that this is because both of us are committed to our own growth and respect each other as individuals.
Neither one of us wants to change the other or lives in the past of our relationship. Both of us are very different people from who we were when we first met.
Our secret is simple, and it’s the same one I bring forth to my clients. It’s being our true self and witnessing the other in their growth.
When working with clients I bring forth a variety of tools that clue my client into who they are at soul-level and they are designed to use energy. Through coaching and in shedding light on Mistaken Thinking and the Illusions of Relationship, my clients set themselves free to be their true selves and create and realign relationships where they no longer have to settle, sacrifice, or pretend to be who they are not to receive love.
Many people I connect with express to me that they want to have fulfilling relationships where they feel loved, seen, and supported by others. What I have found is that while this is a beautiful ideal, it is an ideal that can unknowingly push love away.
With the desire to be loved, seen, and supported by others, you might have created standards that came about from past negative situations where you experienced the opposite of being loved, seen, and supported.
As these events were unpleasant—and understandably very hard for you—they caused you to put walls up to protect yourself from being hurt. Then, as you began to process and heal from those experiences you developed healthy boundaries for how you wanted to be treated.
This was great then, but now you are likely stuck and not feeling fully loved, seen, and supported by others. This is because the healthy boundaries you once created have now become conditions, and conditions inevitably lead to being stuck.
Let’s explore this in a practical way…
Many of us mistake approval for unconditional love and acceptance. To see how true this is for you, look at how you handle rejection—in all areas of your life—not only your relationships!
- Do you avoid rejection by staying quiet and tolerating what no longer supports you?
- Do you avoid rejection by being so forceful and frequent about expressing your opinions that it pushes others away?
- Do you choose to dislike others because you perceive that they do not approve of you?
This mistaken thinking [of believing that unconditional love and acceptance are the same as approval and validation] keeps you stuck. Instead of going deep within yourself, authentically connecting with yourself, and making choices that go beyond your conditions by connecting authentically with others, your energy gets fixated on protecting your self-image and micro-managing other people.
What would change if you handled rejection in a new way? What would it feel like to create new boundaries instead of upholding outdated conditions?
Thank you for reading and for spending some time on your relationship with you today.
To Your Inner Wisdom,